How to Talk to Your Partner About Trying BDSM

If you’re curious about kink but not sure how to bring it up with your partner — you’re not alone. So many people worry that expressing an interest in BDSM will be met with confusion, judgement, or even rejection.

But here’s the truth: when approached with care and curiosity, these conversations can actually strengthen your relationship. They open the door to honesty, trust, and deeper emotional intimacy.

This guide is here to help you talk about BDSM in a way that feels respectful, safe, and grounded in connection — even if it feels awkward at first.

 

Why This Conversation Matters

Talking about kink isn’t just about sex — it’s about learning how to share desires, hold space for vulnerability, and explore new parts of yourself and each other.

Even if your partner doesn’t share your curiosity, you’ll be giving them a chance to know you more deeply. And that’s a gift.

 

Before You Bring It Up: Know Your “Why”

Before you start the conversation, take a little time to reflect:

  • What’s drawing you to BDSM or kink?

  • Is it the intimacy? The surrender? The excitement?

  • What kinds of things are you interested in trying?

Knowing your “why” helps you share from a place of groundedness, rather than just “I saw something cool online.”

 

When (and When Not) to Start the Conversation

Timing is everything. Choose a moment when:

  • You’re both relaxed and not distracted

  • You’re in a private, safe space

  • There’s no tension or unresolved conflict

🚫 Don’t bring it up during a fight, immediately before or after sex, or in a joking way if you’re testing the waters — that can create confusion or defensiveness.

✅ Instead, you might try:

“Can we set aside time soon to talk about something I’ve been thinking about? It’s personal but not bad — just new for me.”

 

How to Start the Conversation

Here are some gentle openers you can try:

  • “I’ve been learning more about BDSM lately, and I realized I might have some interest in exploring it. Would you be open to talking about that?”

  • “I want us to keep discovering each other, and I’m curious what it might feel like to explore some light power dynamics together.”

  • “I’ve always trusted you deeply, and I think trying something new like kink might be a beautiful way to grow that even more.”

Keep your tone open and collaborative — you’re inviting, not demanding. Focus on how this will make your relationship even deeper and more fun for both of you. Don't focus on how it could "fix" your relationship, or that something is lacking. A partner who feels attacked will put up a wall.

 

If They’re Unsure or Nervous

That’s totally normal. Give them space to:

  • Ask questions

  • Express any confusion or fears - many people, especially women, will worry that your interest in kink is because you think she's not enough for you, not hot enough, etc.

  • Research or reflect before deciding anything. Partners are often more open if they access to instruction so they know that you both can explore BDSM safely. Movies and TV make it look scary, dangerous, and the result of mental illness. This is NOT true, but doing some research ahead of time on where to take classes will help put your partner at ease.

Let them know:

  • You’re not asking for immediate participation

  • It’s okay to go slow

  • Their comfort matters just as much as yours

You can say:

“I’m not asking you to jump in. Just to explore the idea with me. We can take it one step at a time.”

 

Start Small, Stay Curious

Instead of diving into full-blown scenes, try introducing kink in subtle, playful ways:

  • Share a fantasy or article together. I do NOT recommend sharing a porno, which typically results in exacerbating insecurities due to comparing oneself with a professional porn actor.

  • Watch a documentary or read a kink-friendly book - some of Princess Raven's personal favorites include The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, which are also available on Audible!

  • Use a playful phrase like “Sir” or “good girl” during a cuddle. 

Let curiosity lead the way. Kink is a journey, not a demand.

 

What If They Say No?

If your partner isn’t interested, it’s okay to feel disappointed. It’s also okay to:

  • Revisit the conversation later

  • Ask if they’d be open to exploring other kinds of connection or power dynamics

  • Ask your partner if they'd be comfortable with you exploring on your own - it's just like football. Not everyone has a partner who enjoys football, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy with friends! This topic starts to branch into ENM and Polyamory depending on your dynamic. Many of Princess Raven's submissives have a spouse who simply isn't into BDSM, and their spouse is comfortable with them seeing a professional where they can explore their kinks without risk of destroying the marriage.

  • Talk with a kink-friendly therapist or coach about how to navigate desire differences. Princess Raven runs Looking Sharp Consulting, which a dating and relationship coaching agency that focuses on alternative relationships. Helping people prep for these conversations with their partners is one of Looking Sharp's specialties!

Not every “no” is forever. And even if kink isn’t on the table, you’ve still deepened your vulnerability and communication.

 

Want Help Starting the Conversation Together?

Princess Raven offers coaching for individuals and couples who are:

  • Curious but unsure how to begin

  • Navigating different interest levels

  • Seeking safe, structured support as they explore together

 

Desire doesn’t have to be scary. With care, kink conversations can become a doorway to connection.

 

Back to: BDSM & Kink Basics: A Beginner’s Guide

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