One of the most common (and emotionally tricky) situations in relationships is when one partner is curious about kink… and the other isn’t.
If you’re the one bringing kink into the conversation, you might feel vulnerable, nervous, or even a little guilty. If you’re the partner hearing about kink for the first time, you might feel confused, unsure, or overwhelmed.
The good news? This doesn’t have to be the end of intimacy — it can be the beginning of a new kind of conversation, and possibly, connection.
Here’s how to move through hesitation with care, respect, and curiosity.
You’re not weird for being interested in kink. Your partner’s hesitation doesn’t mean they don’t love you. This is just uncharted territory — and both reactions are valid.
Remember:
Curiosity isn’t coercion
Hesitation isn’t rejection
You can explore desire together without pressure
Your partner might be thinking:
“Is this going to change our relationship?”
“What if I’m not good at it?”
“Does this mean what we have now isn’t enough?”
“Is this dangerous?”
Hesitation often comes from fear of the unknown — not a lack of love or willingness. The more space you make for those feelings, the safer it is to explore.
Sometimes people think kink is all about extremes — pain, leather, control. But the truth is, kink can be:
A playful blindfold game
A power dynamic explored through words
A structured way to deepen trust and care
When you present kink as a mutual exploration rather than a “thing you need,” your partner may feel more open to joining you.
Instead of saying, “Let’s try bondage,” try:
Watching a kink documentary or reading a blog post together
Taking a kink quiz and sharing results
Saying: “I’d love to explore this together — but only if and when you’re ready.”
Let education lead the way. Invite them to explore with you.
If your partner feels like they have to be into kink to keep you, they may shut down entirely. That’s why it’s essential to say things like:
“You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
“I’m bringing this up because I trust you, not because I’m demanding it.”
And mean it. Pressure is a kink killer.
Some partners come around quickly. Others take time. And some may never feel drawn to kink at all.
Instead of trying to convince them, try:
Journaling your own desires
Talking to a kink coach or therapist for support
Exploring fantasies solo while staying emotionally connected as a couple
There’s no single “right outcome” — there’s just honest dialogue.
Princess Raven works with couples who:
Have different levels of interest in BDSM
Want to explore desire without pressure
Need help communicating boundaries, fears, and curiosities
You don’t have to be on the same page — just willing to read the same book together.
Back to: Deepening Intimacy Through Kink – A Guide for Couples