One of the most empowering things you can do as you begin exploring kink is get clear on your limits.
Limits are not walls to keep things out — they’re guideposts to help you navigate kink with safety, clarity, and confidence. Whether you’re brand new or have some experience, understanding your soft, medium, and hard limits is key to building trust and creating satisfying experiences.
In BDSM, limits are the activities, dynamics, or sensations you either don’t want to engage in — or only want to explore under specific conditions.
They are a central part of negotiation and consent. Think of them as:
Emotional boundaries
Physical tolerances
Personal preferences
Psychological edges
Your limits can change over time — and that’s okay.
Let’s break them down:
These are off the table. They may be physical, emotional, medical, or just a strong personal no.
Examples:
“No impact play at all.”
“No humiliation or degradation language.”
“No nudity.”
Hard limits are non-negotiable. If someone tries to push past them, that’s a red flag.
These are activities you might be curious about — or open to in a specific mood, with a certain partner, or after more discussion.
Examples:
“Bondage, but only with someone I trust deeply.”
“Spanking, but not in public.”
“Verbal play, but only within clearly set phrases.”
Soft limits are where communication and context matter most.
Sometimes called “yellow” or “negotiable” zones, these are areas you’re not drawn to or turned off by — they’re just... neutral.
Examples:
“I don’t feel strongly about feet, but I’d try a massage scene.”
“Blindfolds don’t excite me, but I’m not against it.”
These can be fun to explore when you want to add a new layer without diving into a full-on limit stretch.
You don’t have to have it all figured out. Try this process:
Search online for “BDSM checklist” or build your own. Go through categories like:
Sensation (e.g., spanking, wax, tickling)
Power exchange (e.g., dominance, protocol, service)
Roleplay (e.g., teacher/student, medical, age play)
Locations (e.g., public, private, dungeon)
Label each with:
✅ Yes — I’m into this
🤔 Maybe — I’m curious or soft about this
🚫 No — I don’t want to engage in this
Are your no’s based on fear, disinterest, or past trauma?
Are your maybes areas you’d like to learn more about?
Do any yeses surprise you?
This isn’t about judgment — it’s about curiosity.
Use your checklist to:
Start negotiation conversations
Set scene boundaries
Express what feels vulnerable, exciting, or off-limits
You never need to justify your limits. A simple:
“That’s a hard limit for me.”
is enough. You can also say:
“That’s not something I’m open to right now.”
The people worth playing with will respect your no — immediately and fully.
If someone:
Dismisses your limit as “silly”
Tries to convince you to change your mind on the spot
Makes you feel guilty for saying no
That is a major red flag.
Ethical kink is all about enthusiastic, informed consent. Nothing else will do.
Princess Raven offers coaching for individuals and couples who want to:
Get clear on their comfort zones
Learn negotiation and boundary-setting skills
Explore desires in a safe, supported space
Limits don’t shrink your kink — they give it shape.
Know yours. Honor them. And build trust every step of the way.