Collaboration vs Competition: we are our own worst enemy

Hot take: the biggest thing holding the kink community back is not Puritanical laws or radical conservatism: it’s ourselves.

A little background story:

The BDSM community is still relatively underground, but over the past couple of years, particularly since the pandemic, I’ve seen a big shift in the mainstream approach to BDSM. Previously, the average person would say things like “you enjoy being hurt!? that’s messed up! There must be something wrong with you!” And nowadays there seem to be a lot more people sharing the view of “well that’s not my cup of tea, but adult can make their own choices.” And thanks to Netflix shows like Bonding, and Instagram providing visibility for individual content creators, kink is even becoming trendy!

For Massachusetts, specifically, our community has struggled with “one cannot consent to being assaulted,” which was the result of the 1979 case, Commonwealth vs Appleby, where a domestic abuser attempted to use BDSM as a “get out of jail free card.” Although the abuser was rightfully deemed guilty, the judge's statement has continued to echo limitations to the consensually practicing BDSM community, nearly 50 years later. This is why we don’t have easily accessible venues for kink parties, education, etc.

If you’d like to read more about that case, please read this summary here: https://fetlife.com/Princess_Raven/posts/11996673

What I see happening today:

But a lot of our local alternative club nights have recently been incorporating kink demos and performances, and no one is getting shut down, and there have been no repeats of the Paddleboro case (which got tossed anyways). New organizations pop up each year that offer education and classes for how to explore these activities as safely as possible - and with more organizations comes insecurity, jealousy, and competition.

We should be working together to support rights for consensual BDSM - imagine a world where you could tell someone that you are a Professional Dominant, without fear of being ostracized or assaulted? What if you could put “kink educator” on your apartment application without worrying that you’ll be called a “prostitute?” What if you had an accident in one of your scenes, that required medical attention, and your Dominant could actually go with you to a hospital in Massachusetts without worrying about being arrested for assault?

But instead of supporting each other, I see a lot more of putting down other educators because “they are competition.” Kink is not a contest. Or rather, it shouldn’t be.

In 2026, I attended eight different conventions. And although each event fostered new friendships and inspirations for creative scenes…. I also saw a lot of people trying to one-up each other for who did the scene “that everyone was talking about,” or bragging about how many people they were playing with or how many scenes they had scheduled. Whatever happened to quality over quantity? Personally, I think that social media has a lot to do with this toxic, competitive perspective.

Read more about my spicy perspective on the concerning aspects of convention culture here: https://fetlife.com/Princess_Raven/posts/13573108

What I’m trying to build:

A core part of my mission with Feather & Flame is to create stable jobs for our community - many of whom belong to marginalized communities, such as queer, trans, etc. I’m still many steps away from being able to give someone a full-time job, but the multiple part-time roles that I’ve been able to offer, In addition to staff training, is a start. If things go according to the business plan (and anyone who has run a business, knows that they seldom do!) I hope to have full time positions available in the summer of 2027.

At Feather & Flame, I intentionally reach out to other event organizers, studio owners, and kink educators because I don’t see anyone in our community as competition - we all have unique skill sets, perspectives, and things that we can bring to the table to help support each other. Jealousy is unnecessary if we are on each other’s side, and there is no reason for us to be tearing each other down and cyber-bullying each other out of the community.

The kink education industry is currently growing at a rapid rate, and the more organizations that exist only increase the visibility of the industry as a whole, thus growing the size of the market. For anyone who claims that other studios are competition, I challenge you to consider that perhaps our industry is just beginning to grow, and the market is simply not that saturated at this point in time.

So instead of trying to 1-up another person for who had the “cooler” kink scene, let’s instead cheer them on, and support each other! We are all adults here - let’s stop perpetuating the cycle of high school cool kids bullying drama.

Instead of writing lengthy assaults of someone’s character on FetLife - try expressing your grievances 1 on 1 with them first. Most people are open to feedback when it’s presented constructively. If you have an issue with me or my work, I would love to have a conversation on the phone or even over coffee to better understand your perspective - I am always growing, learning, and changing. Sure, I’m Princess Raven. I’m also a human being who makes mistakes, but I hope the community knows that every day I am trying my best - as most of us are.

If you see any gaps in the education that we offer at Feather & Flame - reach out to me, and let’s have a conversation about working together to close that gap. We can work together to benefit each other and the community as a whole.

And I hope that when you share your scene photos online, and choose who you play with, that you make those choices because you want to connect with those specific people and scene experiences - not just pretending for the likes. I have been burned several times since opening Feather & Flame - I have been used for social cred instead of connected with, and this has added to my stack of reasons to fear people. But I’m still here. Trying, every day, to create meaningful moments and connections that matter.

The kink community has allowed me to live a happier, more connected, and more genuine life - I think many others can relate. It makes me sad to see how viscerally we are tearing each other apart. I hope that this article will remind us all to have a little more empathy, give a little more grace, criticize constructively, and to remind us that connection can solve a lot of problems.