Stepping into the world of kink can feel exciting — and a little intimidating. Whether you’re exploring at home or attending your first play party or dungeon event, understanding basic BDSM etiquette helps you show up with respect, confidence, and curiosity.
This isn’t about rules to make you feel nervous — it’s about creating a culture of safety and mutual respect where everyone can feel seen, honored, and empowered.
Let’s break down the key do’s and don’ts every newbie should know.
Consent is everything. Always ask before touching someone, whether it’s their body, toy bag, or even their gear (yes, that includes collars or floggers).
A simple, “May I?” or “Is it okay if I…?” goes a long way.
Even in public kink spaces, touch is never assumed — and seasoned players will respect you more for asking.
If two people are mid-scene (even if it looks gentle or low-key), don’t approach, comment, or try to join in unless explicitly invited.
Watch from a respectful distance. Think of it like being in an art gallery: you can admire, but you don’t touch or critique.
Some Dominants prefer to be called Sir, Ma’am, Mx, or a custom title. Some submissives may have specific protocols around speech or movement.
You don’t have to participate — but you do need to respect it.
If you’re unsure, default to neutral language: “Excuse me, may I ask a question?” works great.
Just because someone is wearing a collar, kneeling, or in latex doesn’t mean you know their role or preferences.
Avoid statements like:
“Oh, you must be a sub.”
“You look like a brat.”
“I could train you better.”
People define their kink and identity in their own way. When in doubt, ask politely or simply observe.
Every dungeon, club, or event will have its own set of rules. These might include:
No cell phones or photography
No sex on premises
Specific dress code
How and where to ask for a scene
Read the rules before you attend — and if you’re unsure, ask a host or DM (Dungeon Monitor).
Breaking rules doesn’t make you edgy — it just makes people not want to play with you.
Kink communities are diverse. People of all genders, races, body types, and orientations belong here. Don’t reduce someone to a stereotype or exoticize their identity.
For example:
Don’t comment on someone’s race as part of their “look”
Don’t assume someone is dominant because of their size or gender
Honor people as whole humans — not just a fantasy object.
If you’re new to playing with someone, always negotiate first:
What are you into?
What are your limits?
Do you have a safe word?
What kind of aftercare do you like?
Even casual or playful scenes deserve a moment of clarity and care.
Want help learning how to negotiate a scene? [Read this next.]
Just because something isn’t for you doesn’t mean it’s “too weird” or “unsafe.”
It’s okay to have preferences — but kink-shaming has no place in a respectful scene space.
A good rule of thumb: If you don’t understand it, stay curious instead of critical.
It’s okay to be a beginner. Everyone starts somewhere.
Watch scenes respectfully
Ask questions during downtime
Learn from experienced players or event hosts
Don’t rush to play — build trust first
You don’t need to “prove” anything. Showing up with humility and curiosity is enough.
Princess Raven offers private coaching and guided support for individuals and couples who want to:
Learn BDSM etiquette and scene negotiation
Build confidence attending events or meeting partners
Practice play with consent, clarity, and communication
Respect is sexy. Etiquette keeps everyone safe. And the more you learn, the more empowered your kink journey becomes.