Boundaries: Serving a Pro Domme

Understanding the boundaries of a dynamic with a Pro Domme 

It's a grey area

When it comes to boundaries, a Professional Dominatrix is definitely a grey area. We are professionals, but instead of our craft being interior design or business consulting - we specialize in the inner workings of your brain, your deepest curiosities, and often your deepest secrets. 

Instead of just saying  well it’s a grey area, so I guess anything goes,” make sure to ask questions and get confirmation for any assumptions that you have made. Making an assumption about another person‘s behavior or desires, is almost always the root of interpersonal conflict. There are no stupid questions, and she’s probably heard it before! She will be happy that you asked a question instead of making an assumption.

Every Domme is different 

The biggest reason why it is so important to ask questions, is because every Domme is a little bit different. In this article, I can talk about My own boundaries, but they are likely a little bit different for each Domme.

Similar to a martial arts teacher, yoga teacher, personal trainer, or dance teacher.

Let’s start with a template. Something similar, that helps describe this grey area.

Martial Arts Teacher: a martial arts teacher is a professional who you pay for their specialized skill and expertise. You work with this teacher on a regular basis for many years. This teacher will likely turn into a close friend, maybe even feel like an extension of your family. Your martial arts teacher cares deeply about you and wants to see you succeed, and they might know about special feelings that you don’t feel safe to share with the rest of the world. But even if this person feels like an extension of your family, they feel very close to you, you still understand that you need to pay them for martial arts lessons, and that they are not available to date or marry.

Personal Trainer: your personal trainer is someone who you spend a lot of frequent, sometimes intimate time with. You might share with them special dreams that you’re afraid to share even with your closest friends, and they don’t judge you for your physical appearance or body type. They might touch your body in a way that could feel very exciting to you, but it is always part of them doing their job.

Therapist: someone who you meet with on a regular basis, and you share the most sensitive parts of yourself with. They hold space for that, they do not judge you, and they help you grow and become a better person. You pay them for their expertise and advice. There’s an understanding that the therapist really enjoys helping people heal, and therefore pursued many years of intense education to become skilled. When a therapist holds space and empathy for your emotions, you know that therapy is her profession, and she is not in love with you. You would never call your therapist in the middle of the night or demand that she do therapy with you outside of a proper appointment.

Ballroom Dance Teacher: although you’re more likely to have interacted with one of the types of professionals listed above versus a ballroom dance teacher (it’s pretty niche), this was my first career and honestly draws so many parallels with being a Professional Dominant and BDSM instructor. Many of my Dominatrix skills come from my very intense training as a professional ballroom dancer (nearly 15 years). 

A ballroom teacher chose that job because they love it so much that they want to do it every day and share it with the world. When your dance instructor invites you to a very expensive competition, it’s because they want you to have a great time at the event. Who doesn’t want to go to the ball? But yes, the world costs money, and your teacher needs to make a living so that they can continue doing this job every single day.

Dancing might seem sexy and risqué from the outside, but in reality, it's quite technical - and isn't just for romantic couples (most ballroom dancers are actually just friends and not involved in a romantic way)! In fact, it is poor etiquette to become flirtatious just because someone wants to dance with you. There is touching, there is artistic expression, there is emotional expression, there is spending a lot of time together and sometimes even traveling together to special competitions all around the world… but at the end of the day, this person is your teacher. They are a professional. They are not available to date or marry, and even if you become close friends down the line, you are still expected to pay them for their professional skill set.

These templates are similar to Pro Dommes! Lot's of overlap between what goes on/ the specific skill sets and the boundaries. When in doubt, just ask!

If someone Dommes professionally, it’s because She loves it!

Each Domme is different when it comes to how much of it is business or pleasure. The bottom line is that no one sticks around in the community unless they actually love it. A great way to figure out if someone is a scammer or not - see how many years they’ve been in the community, and if she has any friends who are also Dommes. Fake profiles and scammers are constantly making new accounts after they get found out. Someone who actually loves Kink and loves being a Pro Domme will care about her reputation, and will also care about the integrity of the community.

I’ve met my fair share of fake Dommes over the years. Women who say “well, I’m not really into that, but for $250 I could be!” The sad reality is that they’re never as good as an actress as they think they are, and even then - you can tell if someone doesn’t actually like something. They won’t be any good at it. They won’t be creative about it. They’ll be doing the bare minimum. Instead, find someone who is super into and specializes in the types of fetish play that you enjoy the most! And why spend $250 per session with 10 different fakers, when you could’ve spent $500 with 1 Domme who’s actually into it and actually knows what she’s doing!

Most types of fetish play require a certain level of skill. Skill takes time and money to acquire. Fake Dommes are not willing to put in the time or the financial investment to become educated and skilled. 

A woman who chooses to become a Pro Domme vs only play with a romantic partner(s), does so because she loves the art of fetish play. This means that she likes to play with a variety of people, and often. You will not be her only submissive. And due to each person‘s privacy, what she does with other people, how many other people, and how often, is not your business. If the idea of her playing with multiple other people throughout the week, makes you uncomfortable, perhaps you should check out my dating consulting company, Looking Sharp Consulting, where my team of professional dating coaches can help you meet Mrs. Right! When it comes to serving a Pro Domme, you will never be our only submissive, and she’s also not available to date or marry.

You can be friends, but no dating!

Not every Domme is open to friendship (it might feel too personal for Her), so it's important to ask. Personally, I’m open to becoming friends with my submissive. However, it is extremely rare and typically only happens with people who I play with every week for 2+ years. I’ve also had this go sour - often, getting to know each other outside of the play dynamic makes it weird and that fun spark just fizzles and dies. Sometimes, keeping a little emotional distance is part of what makes it so fun and exciting when you get together for your session. 

Pro Dommes are not available for romantic or sexual relationships. I’ve met a lot of guys who say things like “ but you haven’t met me! I could be the one for you!” That is a huge red flag and shows me right off the bat that you are incapable of respecting even the most basic of boundaries. If you’re looking to date a dominant woman and have a romantic relationship in addition to the D/s dynamic, then check out my dating consulting company,  Looking Sharp Consulting.

Therapeutic, but not therapy. 

Earlier in this article, I used a therapist as a template example for boundaries with a Pro Domme. They are similar, but not quite the same. It’s really important to know that although exploring your kinks might be therapeutic, it is not the same as therapy. Kink is a form of emotional expression, artistic expression, and human connection to both our inner selves and the partner who we are playing with. For example, activities like painting, dancing, playing music, etc. can be therapeutic, but they are not therapy with a licensed clinician.

Someone who says something like “ this is my therapy!” when referring to sessions with Pro Dommes, is waving a huge red flag that indicates he is emotionally unstable, very likely depressed, and resistant to doing anything about it. If I choose to play with this guy, it’s highly likely I’ll get some 3 AM super long, emotionally charged text message followed by blocking me at 6 AM when I don’t respond immediately (because I’m obviously asleep). I just don’t want that kind of drama, and it’s not worth my time to go through the process of vetting someone only for him to freak out and disappear after only a handful of sessions.

Kink exploration typically brings up a lot of intense feelings. Although it is appropriate to share these feelings with your Domme, the best person to help you work through shame, guilt, trauma, etc. is a licensed mental health clinician.

Your Domme is a guide, but not psychic 

Pro Dommes are experts in their craft, and therefore can guide you along your journey of self exploration. Some of us are very close to psychic, but unfortunately, we are not 100% psychic. That means that we don’t know what you’re thinking or feeling unless you tell us. A big green flag is if you’ve had any formal training in communication, such as going to therapy. It’s important for us to know that if there’s a conflict, or if you want to explore a specific fetish, etc., that you’ll just come out and say it as opposed to gently dropping hints that we likely do not detect. There are many ways to be clear when communicating with your dominant without being bossy.

Here’s a great template to start with: “ Princess, if it pleases You, I would like to start exploring sissification.”

Respect set hours for communication

Some problems I’ve had in the past:

One of My subs, who is well aware of My hours of communication, has sent Me multiple text messages on a Saturday. He knows not to expect a response until Monday afternoon, but he sees that I’ve been posting on FetLife on Saturday afternoon, so he gets upset when I don’t text him back. What he doesn’t realize, is that I don’t really have time during the week to be active on social media because I’m busy answering text messages, in sessions, Looking Sharp Consulting appointments, various business meetings, etc.

OR

One of My subs texts Me over the weekend, and has been patiently waiting until Monday at 1 PM for a response from me. It’s now 2 PM, and I still have not texted him back, and he gets upset. What he doesn’t realize, is that I might not be able to schedule checking his text messages right at the start of the day at 1 PM. I might be in a session, or perhaps preparing for a session at 2 PM, I could be in business meetings with my staff at Looking Sharp Consulting… 1 PM on Monday is the start of my workday, not necessarily the time at which I’m available to check text messages. 

FYI

I will never ghost. If you have made Me uncomfortable or I no longer wish to interact with you, I will be direct and just tell you. If I have not responded to you, it is because I am busy or because your message did not go through (be careful of free texting apps! They often malfunction. I recommend Sideline, which I have used for many years).

A little bit of mystery goes a long way! 

Why was Hannah Montana so much more exciting than plain old Miley Stewart? There’s something about having a character that just makes it so much more fun! Many Domme like to have some degree of separation between their vanilla life and their Kink life, often this is due to conflict that would be created perhaps with her family, her kids, etc. but even for those of us who have the very rare privilege that I do, of being completely “out” of the Kink closet, I like to maintain some separation between my vanilla life and my Kink life too. To be honest, most of my life revolves around BDSM culture in one way or another - attending BDSM conventions as vacations with my friends, going to private BDSM parties on the weekends to celebrate a friend’s birthday, running a dating consulting company that specializes in alternative style relationships, and of course - this blog - but just like anybody else, I have parts of my life that are mundane and frankly not that interesting. 

BDSM is about play. When we were kids, we played dress up, or cops and robbers. As adults, we play with power dynamics through titles like "Princess" and "submissive." Remember, these sessions aren’t just for you. They are for Me, too! Sometimes I feel bogged down by the mundane aspects of life, and I love knowing that I’ll get to escape for a few hours and play.

I’ve also unfortunately discovered many times, that whenever I try to become friends with one of my submissives, the lack of mystery can often kill the whole dynamic. So, whether it’s to maintain some anonymity in her vanilla life, or just to keep the spark alive, respect a Domme's boundaries that she probably doesn’t want to share her personal life like legal name and what town she grew up in (those questions. Also make you sound like you might be trying to steal her credit card info!)

Many people enjoy the boundaries of playing with and serving a Pro Domme. If you find that you’re looking for a deeper connection, such as finding your future wife, check out my dating consulting company, Looking Sharp Consulting. or you can sign up for the affordable online course that is loaded with dating tips and strategy that are specific to succeeding within the world of Kink dating (the rules are a little different compared to vanilla dating)!

Closing Thoughts:

• Every Domme is different, so make sure to ask Her!
• Always communicate what you're thinking and feeling, and be direct. She likely won't pick up on "hints."
• Got a specific question that I didn't cover? Drop a comment or contact Me privately; I'll be happy to address it!

Stay kinky My friends!